It's a quarter to five the buses will be here in half an hour. Did I confirm with the bus driver? do I have the beach bag do I have to go home again? The buses will be here soon and then everything will be fine everything will be out of your hands Susie it's been a long time coming but now everything is perfect and ready for him. You've been so clever to get this all done when he wasn't in town wasn't looking over your shoulder of course he knows so little of what happens in this office the house is yours not his yours not his and when he comes home and tromps on your world you know that he never knew it was there to begin with. But he deserves something special it is his birthday I do love him after all of course I do.
My phone rings in my bag Scott of course he knows it's me before I pick up even though Molly takes my phone sometimes he knows when it's me.
"Susan! I have the Lawrences and the Kudas here, just got in from New York, yeah? They can't wait to see you. Liz is pregnant again, I'm sure I've told you, and she's turned into a bit of a psychopath but looks fabulous, all things considered. Damn good thing we didn't invite Bill, that'd be one awful scene at the raw bar. You'll see them all tonight, yeah? So the buses are meeting at the hotel at five thirty--"
"Five o'clock."
"Ah, five, right right. Then we'll be there at five, and then we're picking Alan up at your house, yes? All right, just wanted to call and check-- there was something. Couldn't have been important. So I'll see you--"
"Wait, Scott. Do you have the card?"
"The card? Oh, right. No I don't but I'll send Marie out to get it, how's that, she has to earn her wages somehow, right? So I'll make sure to get that done, yes, right away, and I'll see you at five--"
I hang up. I lied to him of course everyone will be there at a quarter past but he's never been on time not once in the thirty years I've known him he was late to our wedding he was almost late to his own maybe that's why Ana hated him so when he and I were in Yalta we missed the last flight out for the day and spent an uncomfortable night in a tiny hotel with a barn next to our room couldn't sleep for the goats bleating so whenever I tell him to meet me it's a half an hour early if I can. He never thinks farther ahead than the end of the road he's on to get him to help with the party was a miracle well not really he has big ideas but leaves them as ideas. He's powerful but utterly useless for anything rational anything with a process. Except for the last minute anything can get done within a day or two with him that's how he lives lives in an immediate world and always has. He's been in a hurry for decades and I can see it on him he's always flushed always sweating just a little his face is always ruddy it shows something about him about the way he lives about how he doesn't sleep and will one day die from intensity. He gets things done when I need him to and that's why he's so exciting that's why he's everything I'm not I think but at least I'm sane at least I'm dependable at least I'm stable that's what they say.
Five o' clock. People should start coming soon you did tell them quarter to five yes of course you did the invitations went out months ago. It's not every day your husband turns fifty no even though I turned fifty last year it's different for him I think he'll take it harder I'm the old one he teases me I'm the older he's only fourteen months younger but he pretends it's two years always two years and it's not except to people he doesn't know with family with friends it can be two years but to others he doesn't want an old wife not that I am because I'm not I've never been but he thinks of me that way sometimes his friends with their beautiful wives in clicking heels slender waists I'm not that but I've aged with dignity aged with pride and they haven't and they won't. I want to laugh at them sometimes when I was your age when I was your age my hair streamed down my back I was tanned slender I was young in an age when to be young was to be exciting to be powerful I can't stand the way you throw it away little girls marrying old this isn't what you want believe me it isn't.
David walks in the door sees me sitting walks over. He looks out of place in blue jeans that boy has been in khakis pressed clean since the day I met him ten years old. When Alan started working with his father we called him David II the littler one we don't have to anymore of course but it suited him not junior but two I don't think he was ever called Junior. In the past year since his mother he's come over quite often come for Thanksgiving for Molly's birthday even. The two of them get on well we all think of him as one of us but of course he's much closer to Molly's age nine years I think he's good for her really Molly can get so moody so distracted it's wonderful to see her talking to someone successful someone who's grown up well he's her kind of person too I think well I don't really know what Molly thinks anymore but David would be fascinating to anyone such an educated man working on his doctorate now, linguistics? I think it's linguistics or maybe languages Sanskrit or something like it regardless I'm sure it's terribly interesting and maybe he's different enough for Molly I would hope so I'd like to see her grow up like that I'd like to see her take some initiative stop being so lazy so moody I try and try to help but it never seems to do anything I want to tell her that I understand that I've been there too but she doesn't seem to grasp that. I'm the enemy I think we're all the enemy when we're all on her side and she just can't see it or maybe I don't understand God knows I don't know what's going through her head half the time. The girl need a good dose of reason.
"Susan!" David walks over and kisses my cheek. "Did you see the kids? They're right outside, with their cousins-- they just got here. How are you?"
"Just fine, David, thank you. Are people starting to arrive?"
"Sure are. There are at least twenty people outside."
"Oh, wonderful."
"So we're going to pick up Alan at your house? Does he have any idea what's happening?"
"You know, I don't think he does. His birthday's not for a week. I made sure that he wasn't in town today, so he wouldn't run into anyone-- I think there's a cousin or old friend at every hotel."
"Wow. You must be really excited to surprise him."
"Hmm. Yes, I guess I am. Mostly I'm just relieved the hard part is over."
I go outside and find everyone there forty people at least finally things come together there's no better feeling than a job completed I see Scott pulling up it's just a quarter past does he have the card? either he's forgotten or he'll have found the biggest most perfect card in the place plus balloons and champagne too at least he's brought people with him and here are the buses perfect perfect. Now where are the kids where's Molly there over by Rachel Alan's secretary of course talking to others from the office the young professional set and Molly look at her fourteen years old tiptoeing around them strolling back and forth pretending to have places to go as if they didn't know she was listening come now Molly don't you see how foolish you look you're not kidding anyone. She's always hovered around Rachel always. With all the strong women around her Molly idolizes the secretary it's so unlike her dangerous too we don't need those kinds of ideas in her head women were not meant to serve and she needs to know that or maybe it's just that she's beautiful and she is I will admit it's her eyes I think quite striking really but Molly you're never going to look like that you look like me now and you will when you're older you're pretty of course you're pretty and so sweet looking but you'll never be striking and that's okay there are all kinds of people in this world Molly and you and I weren't meant to be exotic and eye-catching that's all right we don't want to stand out anyway Molly we're not like that we don't cause trouble don't turn heads it's easier to get by that way you'll learn Molly.
I walk over to talk to her I haven't seen her all day so busy both of us. My hand on her shoulder. "Molly?"
She stiffened looked unaffected her face immediately blank. "Hi, Mom."
I tried to smile be loving Susie be kind and loving she's just acting up. "Have you had a good day, sweetie? Did you get to see your cousins? David says you've been out here with them."
"Yeah. They got in an hour ago." Her face set eyes impatient so impatient go away Mother go away oh Molly this is a conversation I'm not removing your skin I'm asking how my daughter is my only daughter Molly Molly.
"Did Dan get a chance to see them? I know he was so excited for them to come. Just like you were."
"Yeah. He saw them." Her eyes start to dart toward Rachel David the interesting ones the youthful vibrant beautiful passionate world-embracing ones not stodgy old Mother sweetie I'm not so horrible truly I'm not Molly look at me Molly look at me.
"Oh, I'm so glad. Can you find Danny and get him on the bus? He'll wander off if you don't, you know how he gets."
"Um, Mom, can I not? I kind of don't want to sit with him on the way up... you know, he gets carsick. He's impatient. Annoying. Can you find him? Please?"
Can I find him of course I can what do I spend my life doing Molly smile Susie smile. "All right, that's fine then. But keep an eye on him at the beach, okay?"
"Sure, whatever. Bye!" She scampers off shot from a spring so eager to run away Molly I'm here you know I'm still here you don't have to run you always run Molly you can come back it's okay I know you won't but I want you to know you can.
People start getting on the buses. Scott is yelling but with a smile of course no one minds when he's loud herding people aboard deep throated laugh always moving always always. "Ready, Susie? Everyone's on board. You and I will be up front, of course, we can get out to knock on the door, yeah?"
I walk over to the bench to get my bag bring my sweater and the kids' the sun is still up of course will be bright for awhile but we'll be on the beach good thing it's so sunny sunny and clear the air's so warm perfect summer night except for a few clouds oh clouds in the west dark heavy damn damn damn damn damn. Susie. It's all right. Get on the bus now that won't help anything.





























Well, I'll be damned. A party. Happy birthday Alan look darling it's your whole damn life here to confront you here in front of you surprise these people I've vowed never to waste my life with again surprise aren't you happy Ally aren't you happy. She means well. She always means well. I was surprised of course I was she was acting strangely but this I didn't expect no this I didn't expect of her of course I'm happy Suz this is wonderful and I am happy really these people here for me it's not something I get often not with the kids around with the conference every damn Father's Day it's nice to be appreciated God knows it happens little enough with all that I do. And it's not the business the marriage the kids it's for me I don't know what the hell I've done to make half these people show up but there they are the idiots and the family both.
I have to say though the woman knows how to make me happy in this respect at least dinner on the beach clambakes lobster and white wine this is what I've worked for all these years it's the summer evenings it's spilling a bottle of wine eating two lobsters and no one cares it's not the luxury it's the not caring the ease the informality. Well Scott helped she said and Scott would too we've been brothers from the start old boys together he's what I would have been if I didn't settle down what I would have been without Molly and Dan with a traveling job with divorce papers and a damn good lawyer back in college we ran around the cities together bars women hitchhiking and nothing's changed well for him at least I've just moved on from that Susan laughs says I'm jealous but of course I'm not I could have taken that route but chose not to chose the family chose her for God's sake chose to provide for others Scott yes that could have been me but what the hell life would that have been it's enough to see him to laugh over stories of his life and thank God it's not my own.
I walk over to the raw bar set up right on the beach under a tent perfect really Rachel is there she's a strange one there's a lot we don't see eye to eye on she's one of those overly moralizing types at least to herself she is it's not that she won't do things I ask her to oh no she will she's perfectly obedient there's just this look in her eye whatever you say Mr. Sheldon just don't blame me I'll do it but don't expect me to like it. I hate that like hell it'd be better if she'd just disagree speak up a little it might do her some good the meek little thing I can't stand that maddening superiority how she sees herself taking the moral high road the silent accusations I can't argue with people who don't speak. She's one of those religious types impossible to reason with I have problems with people who think faith is the answer to everything you can't talk with people like that everything they say comes back to their illogical unverifiable basis of thought not that we've ever talked about religion God knows the office isn't a place for conversation but I can sense it on her the way she reassures herself she's right always right. God. If there's a God he sure as hell never gave me a leg up.
She smiles at me like she always does it's not that she doesn't mean it it's that maybe she means it too much she's too genuine. "Hi, Mr. Sheldon. Happy birthday."
"Thank you, Rachel. Thanks a lot."
"Were you surprised? Susan's been working so hard to keep this a secret from you."
"Very surprised. I didn't know a thing was coming. Do you want an oyster?"
"Oh, no thank you." That superior smile again a vegetarian for all I know can't bring herself to murder the endangered shellfish these young people defying everything as a matter of principle stick to the damn food chain not everything has to be a social issue there's a point at which it's just ridiculous. "Does she plan things like this often? It seems like the kind of project she'd really enjoy."
The kind of thing she'd really enjoy since when is my secretary friends with my wife these women can't leave them alone or they'll start ganging up on a man I don't need my two subordinates joining forces. "Susan? Well... yes, of course, this is her kind of thing. She is good with the... ah, organizing, isn't she. She's good with people, you could say."
Rachel eyes me again that reply was too stilted she's looking don't you know your own wife wipe that smirk off your face you don't know her either you don't know her as well as I do I don't give a damn about this female solidarity thing Susan's not that complicated a person doesn't take a lot of intelligence to figure out it's just whether you decide to pay attention to her and I do usually just not constantly.
David comes up glass of white wine in hand thank you David go ahead entertain Rachel she's tolerable at work I have no problem with her as a person I don't have problems with many people but I have no intentions of getting to know her actually why she's here I've no idea well because of Susan yes the two of them arm in arm why I can't imagine including the workforce aren't we slumming a bit dear. Now David's a good sort one of ours been like a son to me these few years since his mother died orphaned at twenty and he shows it rugged competent he's done well for himself studying at Harvard now working in the city a job he got on his own no connections in some respectable field lower management putting himself through school though God knows he doesn't have to with the money left him not touching it admirable it's that kind of discipline that's going to take that boy far.
"Alan! " Firm handshake impressively so. "Happy birthday to you. How's it going?"
"Going well, David. Good to see you. Glad you made it down. How long's it been? Christmas?"
"Not quite... I was down here for Molly's birthday, so that's make it the middle of April. It's been awhile, though. Good to see everyone looking so well."
"Here through the weekend?"
"Driving up Sunday night, yes. I've got a class early Monday, or I'd stay longer." He turned to Rachel still standing there slightly foolishly. "Rachel, is it? David. Nice to meet you."
I took my plate stepped aside. "I'll talk to you later, David, I'm sure. Glad you made it." Nod to Rachel.
It’s getting colder Susan didn't bring my jacket how could I have known I'd be at the beach she can plan but she can't think of everything she needs to she brought her own I'm sure brought the kids' it's like I'm not a part of this family.
She comes running up stumbling slightly either the sand or a second glass of wine her shirt coming untucked Susan pull yourself together for God's sake skipping around like that you're older than I am. I turn my cheek for the kiss I know is coming whenever she gets like this giggly girlish none too often and always at the wrong time.
"Happy birthday, Ally! Oh, are you having a good time? This all turned out perfectly. Did you see the Joneses? and your brother Mark? They're all here for you, you know. And there are more surprises to come, just you wait! Have you said hello to everyone yet? They all couldn't wait to see you!"
"Yes, I saw Mark... and Tom, unfortunately. I can't believe he brought him to this. Had to bring a little flavor to the family, eh? Parading him around as if this were a-- come on, I'm only joking, of course I don't mind that he's--- don't look so offended, I don't have a problem with my own brother. You can't take a joke, can you. And why did you invite the Lawrences? You know I haven't spoken to Rob in about seven years..."
She shrinks back a bit like she always does that woman would shy away from an angry child no spine I'm telling you she's never had a bit of strength in her. "Because you and Rob used to be so close. I thought you might want him here, with all your other old friends..." Her voice falls. "I didn't want to make you angry. I thought you'd be pleased." Her voice starting to get whiny cloying for sympathy pretending to swallow tears it's impossible to say anything to her impossible to take her seriously these women how the hell can you treat them as equals whimpering like children like little pets.
Easier to shut her up swallow my pride I hate doing it but whatever's for the good of peace in this family. "Come on, Susan. Of course I'm happy he's here. Just wondered how-- how you got in touch with him. Let's go talk to him-- I haven't said hello yet."
She pulls away like she's afraid of me. "No, it’s all right. Go ahead, Alan. I wanted to talk to Scott. Go ahead, and say hello for me..."
Talk to Scott it’s always Scott sure he’s good company but would it hurt to spend time with your own husband once in awhile my other half sure only when you’re getting something out of it I know my name’s useful but at least walk around with me what do people think when you skip around like that. We’re married God damn it and you could at least show it I don’t care how remote you are at home but there’s a part of the bargain you’re not upholding.
I stand there for a moment watching her move away she turns her head as if to look back but doesn’t. I don’t want to fight with the woman. I swear to God I don’t and I know she sees things differently but I don’t want to antagonize her just to bring her to my level just to deal with her as a person just to get her to grow up a bit. I married a sparkling young thing long hair and she acted like it she was free we both were and she’s older but hasn’t moved on lets herself age but doesn’t recognize it.
I walk into the tent it’s getting colder colder every minute and not even a sweater. The smell of butter. Lobster. Yes I’ll have a claw maybe two and then I’ll go find Scott Scott or perhaps Mark have to talk to them now or they’ll get away.

After getting a drink talking to Alan I walk across the sand wanting to find her to have one of our talks it's been so long and I know she enjoys them so much. Alan the guest of honor. He's been like a father to me these past few years yes a father in the sense of overly controlling invasive abrasive perhaps but he's roped me into the family in some way and I can't say I'm not grateful. Molly despises him and I see where she's coming from but I don't exactly agree the man is decent enough sure he's arrogant everyone except him can see that but no bad intentions there and I've always thought one should be judged by one's intentions judged within context people generally mean no harm and who are we to say if one transgression is worse than another.
I walk over the sand shiver a bit clouds creeping forward threatening to ruin someone's night but right now just coloring the sunset. Where is that girl running away maybe it wouldn't surprise me I can't imagine she's enjoying the party the socializing much though she's quite good at faking it when she wishes she's lived with her parents long enough to know how to avoid conflict to know when to give up. Though she doesn't give up really not her she's-- there.
She’s sitting off on a dune. Watching the waves I'm sure maybe not seeing them but watching her hair blown lightly back her hair's grown since her birthday it makes her look older not as cute she's a dreamer and it shows now the way she's running the sand through her fingers slowly not looking at it lost somewhere where are you my darling come back down to us come back down but she won't she can't always and that's fine really it is. She hasn't been trampled down yet. She's disarmingly beautiful right now especially the sun's just grazing the water and making her hair glow aflame and she knows it now she's running her fingers through her shining hair carefully is that me she's saying is this me this doesn't look like me oh yes it's you it's absolutely you and I want to let you know it. She has this wildness about her in her eyes sometimes even now I can see her heart racing she's an Aries oh and it shows one day she's going to step out of her body and burst into bloom one day she's going to fall in love one day she's going to one day she's going to she doesn't know what's impossible yet. It's not that she's stupid not that she's young because she's not she's wise beyond her years or maybe because of them she knows something the rest of us don't the girl is fascinating she's got a mind of her own one hell of a mind of her own but she hasn't hardened yet she's still malleable still fluid.
And as I watch her I can see her contentment the delight she's taking in the sun in the waves coming up to meet her close closer but never quite touching I can see her cheering for each one wanting it to lick her toes but she's not giggling she's smiling at herself she's taking the laughter and putting it away not tonight not tonight she saying remember this feeling Molly remember this feeling and I saying remember this feeling David remember this feeling. Remember this moment oh David remember as a long string of marching unbroken time oh David remember as moments you did not have oh David remember.
On her birthday after presents cake atonal singing I went up to her room bringing up the last of her presents knocked softly entered she sat by the window crying softly her fingers out in the rain and I said to her oh Molly what's the matter and she nothing David nothing and I sitting on the floor come on Molly you can tell me and she looking up face streaked do you ever feel like you don't deserve all that you have and I yes constantly and she it's just so unfair I don't want this I don't want any of it I'm in this house and I don't want to be I'm surrounded by new things and I don't want any of them I'm fourteen years old and I don't want to be not at all twelve maybe twenty maybe but not here not stuck in the middle and I it's so hard to be able to see all that's out there and not have a part in any of it and she yes exactly that's it exactly it's like I'm tied up and the world's dangling before me and I don't forget it Molly and she what do you mean and I don't let that feeling leave you don't ever forget how it feels to want everything that's real to want everything you can find for yourself and she when you were my age did you feel like this and I when I was your age you could say the world had found me already and she but that sounds wonderful and I it wasn't.
I watch her for a moment longer look around then climb up to the dune the sand falling away under my step clumsy too clumsy. She turns her head to see me there the light shifts falls in her hair streaming through it.
Smiles. “David.”
“Molly. How are you? Enjoying the party?”
She shrugged looking back out over the water shutting herself off don’t say things like that David she doesn’t want to hear them doesn’t want you of all people to say them. “Kinda. I don’t like most of these people. And I don’t like lobster. But I love the ocean, and it’s a beautiful night. It’s prettier because the clouds are coming, I think...”
“It is. You’re right. It’s the nature of sunsets to be varied and streaked. There’s nothing interesting in gradations of pink, is there.”
“Mmm.” She didn’t turn her head deep in thought I suppose come back down Molly come back down. I wonder if she’s seeing the same thing I am or something else something the rest of us can’t see it wouldn’t surprise me if she could see past all this. What does she see. I sit down next to her lightly slide off my shoes lean back a bit let the warm breeze roll over me. We’re about five feet up high enough for a jolt in the stomach far away enough to hear the waves to close off the party the people except I shouldn’t I shouldn’t but Molly has no problem doing so. The water’s becoming dazzling hard to look at light flying everywhere making the beach unearthly in color golden almost against the roll of the sea. And Molly Molly staring straight out Molly not flinching not looking away the light and the water coming together in her eyes Molly breathing more deeply Molly a world away Molly somewhere I can’t reach. Molly who is now staring into the spotlight taking it in oh she made of liquid sunlight looking at her own yes blinding herself and blinding, herself.
“I feel bigger here.”
I turn to her she speaks speak again bright angel for thou art as glorious to this night being o’er my head she moves not turns not she did speak yes she did.
“I just do. It fills me up somehow. They say you’re supposed to feel small when you stand beside the ocean but I don’t think that’s right.”
I open my mouth for a second lean forward this is what we go on about for hours but then I look at her. Molly speaking to herself no not to me Molly doesn’t know I’m here.
I pick myself up carefully take my shoes in one hand walk carefully down the dune not upsetting the slope this time not a grain out of place not disturbing anything.
The year I was twelve my father took me to the beach not something he did often he didn’t like the heat the sand didn’t like to get his hair out of place but the two of us went to the beach that day. He rented me a surfboard bought Cokes and hamburgers potato chips I had never eaten anything with sand in it before it doesn’t taste different just makes things crunchier the chips especially. We sat in chairs together slightly stiffly sweat dotting our brows both in T-shirts in long shorts as well matching too-white skins turning pink together as laughter boomed around us children splashing colored balls flying. After maybe an hour of moving little saying little I took my surfboard down to the water and crawled onto it not used to the weight not used to the size of it. I’d never been surfing before only been in the ocean twice but thought I could teach myself I did everything that way headstrong always logic not tempering my brashness. My first wave. I stood up somehow at the front of my board and in an instant I knew what I had done wrong.
My toes curled over the edge. The board moved decisively forward onto its nose with a sickening lurch. The tail came up and I started to slide off slide forward. Time stopped. I perched on the very front of my board for a seeming eternity as fifty pounds of fiberglass swung up behind me and fifty million gallons of water rushed below me. I do not remember falling.
It was my father who hauled me out of the sea who pulled the surfboard off of me pounded the water out of my lungs. I will never forget his face. Livid. Ruddy blotchy pure fury coming from his eyes.
“David, what the hell do you think you’re doing? You almost got yourself killed! You can’t screw around like that, do you understand me? You’re a child, David. A child. You can’t surf like the rest of them. You can’t pull yourself out when you fall. That board’s too big for you. You’re a child. And you’re going to start acting like it, God damn it. Now stay on the beach where I can watch you.” Deep heaving breaths heaving shoulders. “Are you all right?”
I don’t think I answered him I don’t think it would’ve made a difference really.
Susan walking towards me. Should say hello such a nice woman dull perhaps but a good person a good wife to do all this she doesn’t understand Molly no not at all and I’ve never really talked to her but I can say nothing against the woman. Usually so cheery so gracious but she looks strangely somber tears at her eyes even should I talk to her yes perhaps.
“Susan!” She looks up quickly startled out of something.” Are you all right? Can I help with anything?”
She shrugged her shoulders down still. “I... no, David, you can’t. I just...” She looked up at me sized up my face. “I wanted so much for Alan to be happy with this. I want so much for him to be happy with everything. And he isn’t. He says he is, but he isn’t...” Trailed off as I watched her waited for her to go on. “I’m sorry, David. Forget it. Have you talked to Molly tonight? I know you always want to see her.”
“Oh, yes, I did. Found her just a minute ago.”
“Good. Oh, good. David, I never tell you this. But I’m so glad the two of you are friends. Between you and me, Molly needs more people like you in her life. People who show her that she’s allowed to care about things, that the real world isn’t so bad after all. You’re just so wonderful for her. I hope you don’t stop coming to things like this. We loving having you here.”
Her eyes wide imploring even.
“But of course. I love being here-- love being with all of you. And don’t underestimate your daughter, Susan. Molly is such a great kid, you know. She brings me just as much delight as I hope to bring to her--” Stop talking David stop talking. “Yes. Are you sure there’s nothing I can help with?”
“Oh no, dear. I just--” Her voice broke off suddenly her eyes darted over my shoulders and back. “I’m sorry. Have you seen Scott?”
“Scott? Alan’s friend? Last I saw him was over by the tent, about ten minutes ago.”
“Wonderful. Wonderful, thank you.” She totters off looking slightly lost in her sweater and windblown hair.
Windblown hair like her daughter like the daughter who will never grow up like her the daughter who will never grow old the daughter who will never leave this moment never leave Molly never leave.



Gosh it’s pretty up here. The sun is setting and I’m up on a cliff or a dune I think it’s called and it’s all perfect. They can’t see me up here all them at the party and I like it that way all a bunch of snobs people who call me Mary or Margaret people who don’t understand anything. It’s not that I don’t like my family because I do even Dan who can be such a brat it’s just that they think I’m about ten years old they think I don’t understand anything and I do I swear I do even if I can’t quite say what it is yet.
Mom’s been so uptight about this whole thing the party Scott’s been over at our house constantly even more than usual. Scott’s funny he’s so much more laid-back than Dad is but he’s got a side that they don’t think I’ve ever seen a side that can just snap he lives this life that I’ve tried to figure out but I can’t he’s never the same place two weeks in a row lives in London sometimes I think. I’m so jealous of him jetting around like that sometimes I think there’s nothing I’d like more then to just leave when I want to and leave little bits of myself all over the world and sneak into my friends’ houses yes the way he sneaks in behind Dad’s back to help Mom with all this. But I’ve seen Scott other times I don’t know if he drinks or what but once I saw him just go off on Dad scream at him fly into a rage they didn’t think I saw but I did and I didn’t go near him for two weeks even though he was staying with us then. I’ve never seen anyone else do that I didn’t know people could flip out like that in movies sure but when do grown men just lose control. I don’t understand it.
And he’s not happy. I really don’t think he’s happy. Sure he’s rich sure he’s completely free but I don’t think he is really he has an ex-wife he fights with constantly he’s always in court maybe he can go to Paris any time he wants but he can’t let go of everything the way he wants to. The way I want to.
When I’m sitting up here I feel like I could suddenly straighten my legs and I could just fly fly straight up and maybe never come down again. I’m constantly on the edge of tears and I don’t really know why I think of things and they make so much sense but then I lose them completely and there’s nothing more terrible. Up here I feel suspended floating in the air with nothingness on all sides of me and I like it that way there’s room to move room to explore really. I want to do something irrational and impossible and unexpected and have no one know or maybe have everyone know. I can’t decide when I’m up here if I’m on a pedestal on display or just hiding in the sunlight. I think maybe I’m both. Because no one can find me up here even though I’m right in front of them well no one except David I guess. David’s a great guy because he understands things sometimes in a way the rest of them don’t and he talks with me talks with me even though I’m fourteen even though I’m not wearing heels in the sand even though he’s sort of like them and I’m really not. Or maybe we both are maybe we’re both the misfits and that’s why we talk. But sometimes he bothers me more than I’d like him to. I think he’s lonely maybe looking for someone to connect with and that’s nice just not all the time.
I roll over on my back forehead toward the ocean my hair spread out in a fan beneath me. Should I go back down there? I guess I should say hello to Dad it is his birthday after all and it wouldn’t hurt me not really. Rachel’s probably down there too I wanted to talk to her earlier before we got to the beach but she was busy and I didn’t want to interrupt. Rachel is wonderful she’s Dad’s secretary but doesn’t act like a normal secretary she’s not boring not like the rest of them Rachel’s different she’s beautiful I mean really beautiful striking looking she’s not just pretty she’s something else entirely. But that’s not what matters it’s that she’s smart she gets things and Dad doesn’t understand that he makes fun of her all the time too quiet he says too meek but that’s only because he doesn’t talk to her. Rachel gave me a journal for my birthday dropped it by the house didn’t give it to Dad to give to me and she gave me a pen too but it wasn’t all fancy just a blue liquid ink pen and an elegant spiral notebook simple dark lines no frills it was a book not a diary. And she wrote inside the front cover. For Molly on her birthday. “You want to be a writer? You don’t know how, or when? Find a quiet place. Use a humble pen.” -Paul Simon. Rachel tells me things to read things to listen to tells me about people who think the same way I do. She tells me about other worlds I didn’t even know about about the places she’s been the way she lives she invited me to her apartment once they wouldn’t let me go but I wanted to so much she lives in the city a little room to herself she said she shares two rooms and a kitchen with two roommates and the whole place is just the way they like it with postcards on the walls and flowers always there even when there isn’t food they have flowers and one little room is just Rachel’s. They go to a little market right where they live and buy exactly what they need they don’t need millions of cans of anything. And I want that so much. I want that all so much and I didn’t even know it was out there before.
I get up slowly breathing in the ocean the heights one last moment and then go down to the tent. Mom’s in a corner talking to Scott looking like she’s about to cry oh great thanks Mom cry in public even I don’t do that. Mom doesn’t seem to know how old she is sometimes she’s fifty and too motherly like I’m ten years old smothering wanting to know everything and sometimes she’s about twelve and I can’t deal with her when she’s like that there’s nothing scarier than a mother who doesn’t act like a mother even though I don’t like her being nosy and old and not understanding anything it’s better than when she tries to be cool or just can’t grow up. Over with Scott again I wonder if Dad minds that if I were him I think I might. But Dad doesn’t really show much emotion when he’s angry he clenches his teeth and gets really sarcastic but he’s not usually angry at least I know where I’m at with him at least he respects me a bit doesn’t pretend to know me. And I like it that way he asks me things about my life like whether I’m dating anyone what classes I’m taking because he doesn’t know those things and he knows he doesn’t and he admits it. Mom can’t admit anything.
I don’t hate all the people here. Rachel’s over with her friends and David’s kind of by himself and even Scott’s all right at least he’s interesting and he is he always is. But the rest of them I don’t know and they don’t want to know me and I don’t mind it that way but I sure don’t want to be around them.
There’s a cake in the middle of the tent but I don’t see Dad anywhere. Mom and Scott are talking in hushed whispers Mom’s kind of hanging onto his shoulder but Dad’s not anywhere in sight. Maybe they got him away so they could plan the rest. I don’t really know. But the atmosphere is strange all of a sudden strange tense like someone said something they didn’t mean or someone screamed or someone did something horrible. I shiver a little even though it’s not cold at all. I walk out of the tent back outside a few steps toward the ocean. I really don’t want to be in there. Not at all.














Walking. All right yes I am walking walking on sand sand falls away to cement yes now concrete good hard stable good. Why. Party is over there noise people I am on cement why. Cars. My car yes Susan yes Susan yes Susan's voice Can you get it out of your car Scott we'll need it in a minute thank you why why my car walk to car feet step step step on concrete step. Feet carrying me I can not see blinded sun it must be sun unbearably horribly horrifically bright the lights outside inside close my eyes makes no difference lights swirling all around step step car.
Open trunk head inside blessed relief no sun all right now trunk blankets folded chairs pile of sweaters and pink box. Open. Ah yes the cake Happy Birthday Alan huge cake blue letters puffy frosting a bit off on the box finger lick explosion of sweetness good good. Now think you cannot think sit down and think.
Sit. Cake. I'm sorry Scott I'm so sorry I don't want to bother you with this we don't have time anyway. You did bring the cake? Wonderful. Can you get it out of your car Scott we'll need it in a minute thank you. Her face gone slides out of focus falls away I remember no more. Cake. Just cake? Why why can you not remember why when she told you she told you remember now just cake? Sit think but nothing comes back I can not see her can not hear her.
Up. Stand steady. Trunk blankets folded chairs pile of sweaters pink box brown bag. Brown bag? Candles plates matches knife long shining sharp knife. No she did not tell you told you nothing of candles of knife relief sweet sweeping relief I have found it I have done well by her.
Party. Voices laughing all sounding same far off you can not walk back there get in car hold bag backseat lie down. Lie down. Eyes focus soft gray roof black buttons. Better better better much better.
Why this why now why the swirling the not there thoughts I was fine until well until I was fine earlier today and I did not drink I know that nothing not a drink not one and I can take more than one but I didn't I won't let that happen again no I'm sure I would've remembered. But this happens. This happens without cause without drink without anything the lights pushing my eyes back the thoughts falling away the images yes I know it has happened I don't know when but I've seen the lights before. What is it what is it eating away in my brain what is it.
Close eyes. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Silence complete silence breathe let it drain out breathe everything falling away breathe breathe breathe. Things better when breathing. Forget everything Scott forget the lights forget the party forget her the one here forget the way he treats her forget the way she cries and breathe breathe and maybe you can think. Maybe I should go back there talk to her I know she's upset and I don't blame her not that I do him but the way he--
Buzzing. Buzzing. Eyes fly open what is it what is that buzzing what is it what is it what is it knife grab knife from bag slash there blood on roof gash in roof fall back drop knife dead dead dead it is dead.
Dead.
Breathe.

Minutes later. How many minutes I don't know. Get up slowly slowly take cake take bag cake bag that is all walk sand stay steady good good.
Turned away like this away from the sun I can see the tent again see the people tables blankets see Dan running after Molly good names good. Alan talking to his brother yes Susan at the bar yes David watching Molly on the sand watching her run with her brother behind her convinced no one can see through him I don't know maybe he's right I'd tell Susan and Alan but I think it might kill them Alan's protégé watching his precious girl. It wouldn't surprise me if he meant no harm David if he didn't even realize it yes that man has enough on his back to cripple anyone but I've been watching out for Molly my goddaughter and if he makes a false move he's going to-- breathe Scott stop walking stop look away breathe don't fall breathe breathe. Breathe. Better.
They might think that I wouldn't find out but no and it's not that I don't care it's that if I laid a hand on the boy I might not be able to stop it's that if I don't keep myself off David yes David it'll be him next it'll be David washing up on shore David the red marks around his neck the bloated waterlogged body his eyes bulging and open appearing on the beach a mound of sagging flesh oozing out of his clothing who who they say who and maybe they know but they never do they have not yet and they will not this time David gray David limp dark hair dragging plastered on his face and then they ask who who could do this a man with no enemies everything going for him who could do this to a poor orphan who could strange fingers on neck who the strength the inhumanity who who could watch a grown man die take his last gasping hoarse horrible horrible breath who who and they would not know.
These are my women and I watch over them.
Susan coming over yes Susan. "Oh, thank you, Scott. We'll do cake in just a minute." She opens box leaning over sniffing it like a child like she used to. "Chocolate cake, right? He does like chocolate. I think. He doesn't seem to like much of anything tonight." Silence. Silence. "But that's all right, I suppose, it is his birthday and his party and he can do whatever he damn well pleases. And if he wants to ignore me I have plenty to keep me busy, don't I..." Silence. Silence. "Scott? Are you all right?"
She's talking to you come on Scott words normal conversation this is what you do. "Oh, sure I'm fine, just a bit tired from entertaining everyone, and I think the walk tired me out a bit. Cake looks delicious, Suz, good choice. Where can I put this? I'll just head over to the tent, try to stay away from Alan..." I leave her smiling a bit good just keep doing that good they notice nothing people notice nothing.
The light easing up a bit clouds crawling over the sun good I can see again red receding from my eyes the sea starting to turn angry well why not. Susan follows me in with the bag knife candles motioning to people as she comes in. The defining moment of a party any moment now.
Candle lit. Susan hands me the knife. Alan comes in feigning surprise a satisfied smirk on his face. Crowds forming.
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday dear Alan
Happy Birthday to you.

Cutting the cake. Small even pieces cutting small even pieces.
Alan. Muttered. "Daniel, stop shoving. You'll get your cake."
Dan. "I'm not. I'm not shoving. I just want a piece.
Alan. "You'll get a piece when it's damn well time."
Dan. "I know, Dad. Stop yelling."
Alan. Gruffly. "Don't talk back to me. And don't cause a scene."
Susan. "Alan..."
Alan. "Stay out of this, Susan."
Susan. "Alan, you can't yell at him like that. Not here."
Alan. "I'll be damned if you're going to tell me what to do--"
Don't talk that way to her don't talk that way to her don't talk that way to her
Knife brought up knife crumbs falling grab Alan's shoulder still the weaker grab raise knife grab blood pounding fingers up around throat his eyes bulging knife pulled back knife--

"Scott!"
Her scream.
Drop knife fall
I fall
Face down on sand I can feel the nonbreathing of a hundred people feel the deathly silence feel something warm on my hand. I lick it.
Blood.
And chocolate.